MISC

MISC:

• When someone, usually the hero, appears to be shot fatally but a few minutes later, when the camera goes back to them -What’s This!- they aren’t dead after all. They will ALWAYS groan, reach up with both hands and rip open their shirt (nobody cares about buttons in the movies!) revealing the -SHOCKER!- bullet-proof vest (even though the obvious bulge from a bullet-proof vest was never visible under their clothes in the previous scene). They will then pluck the bullet from the indentation, stare at it and drop it to the ground. Occasionally the person will do something that defies all reason; they will REMOVE THE VEST and go after the bad guy. Because, as everyone knows, when a bullet-proof vest takes a hit or two they are rendered useless. Again, I have two words for all bad guys: HEAD SHOT!

• Countdown is announced over the P.A. (often by a woman’s voice, ALWAYS with a woman’s voice if it’s a sci-fi movie).

• The villain happens to be close to someone that matters to the hero (daughter, girlfriend) when he is most desperate, usually near very end of movie. Villain takes person hostage, saying, “Drop the gun or she dies!” Hero drops gun almost every time.

• Ugly chick gets a makeover to become hot. Ugly chick is played by a super hot chick with a pair of glasses shoved on her face. I guess this trick doesn’t work with fat chicks with bad acne and pug noses.

• Dorky guy wants hot girl, by end of movie manages to finally get opportunity to have her but finally realizes that his female best friend is being played by Jessica Alba and decides he wants her instead.

• Ventilation shafts as means for escape and/or accessing any other parts of the building. How many are even capable of accepting an adult’s body? Also, they are always clean/new.

• The slow individual clapper that leads into crowd applause.

• The leads dance and all other dancers are so impressed/touched they stop dancing and form a circle to watch in appreciation. No one is ever irritated by these attention hogs.

• Person who visits the injured/dying friend in the hospital, apparently just before visiting hours are over, as inevitably a nurse will enter to inform them that “I’m sorry, sir, but visiting hours are over.”

• Kissing in the Rain

• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

• A woman’s lip stick will never come off, even during a kiss, unless director is trying to create a laugh

• If you are part of a crew for the hero in a submarine drama you don’t need to worry about the enemy’s depth charges, they always explode 20+ feet away. But while you are waiting to see if you are going to die, stay silent and stare at the roof of the sub.

• In a submarine movie the pressure gauge must explode to show how much pressure the sub is under.

• Streets and parking lots always look like it just got finished raining.

• If someone hangs up on you after saying something hurtful you must stare at the phone for a few seconds before hanging up.

• If anyone goes fishing, they never come back empty handed.

• Handwriting is always improbably neat.

• Incriminating love letters can be found tied up with a neat ribbon in a shoebox or cigarette box.

• Passenger in vehicle with hand out window doing wave motion in wind

• The super-sped up cityscape. This scene requires shots of a moving and setting sun, buildings lighting up, and people zipping around.

• The opening of film on water, panning up to distant cityscape as we fly towards city. So overdone, so lazy, please establish your location in a more original way.

• Character crashing through panes of glass that immediately turns into harmless pebbles instead of artery slicing shards.

• Spontaneous, obviously choreographed group dances. Unless this is a musical, not gonna happen. But, Mattie! It’s Thriller! Doesn’t matter, FuckYou!

• The rousing the troops pre battle speech.

• The parent who wants their child to be a doctor/layer and is disappointed when they want to be an ‘artist’

• If a man has just woken up and is shown wearing boxers, he will always have an itchy ass.

• After fleeing a monster/killer, you will want to call for help from a public phone within ten feet of where you last saw the monster/killer.

• If the hero takes cover behind an average living room couch or chair it will somehow have the ability to stop bullets as if the thing was made of Kevlar.
• Anytime anybody picks up pieces of a broken glass they will ALWAYS cut their finger. They will also always suck their breath in through their teeth and stick the injured finger in their mouth.
• Whichever tree branch the hero has perched on, the person searching for them will invariably pause under it.

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