Day: January 27, 2008

WOOD

 

WOOD
  • Heroes and villains can successfully use wood, no matter how thin, as a safe shield against bullets of any caliber. Every table is bulletproof.
  • When crossing a rotting suspended bridge, with well spaced wooden slats, the slat will always break when a woman steps on it. Also, it is odd that the wood will rot away long before the vine ropes begin to rot!
  • Little league teams in movie land still use bats made of wood while every other little league team is forced to use aluminum bats.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. WOOD) above.

WOMEN

 

WOMEN
  • Women will always have shaved legs and armpits, even in Elizabethan, Middle-Ages and Caveman movies.
  • Women will be worrying about their nails or dresses while people are trying to kill them. (see also CHASES)
  • Women stand wide-eyed, hand to mouth, while hero battles villain. Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead.
  • Women always fight other movie women by pulling hair, falling to ground together, rolling over twice.
  • High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work
  • Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what sexist remarks he makes to them.
  • A female lead with feminist leanings will always despise a macho hero-until the first time he rescues her from certain death. She will then become totally conventional and dependent. Once she does this, the hero will become vulnerable and tell her about some tragic loss that will explain his belligerent attitude.
  • Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact.
  • Women don’t need to go to the bathroom when they get up but will shower frequently.
  • If a woman is ever revealed/shown to be pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends.
  • Women also scream or make some other noise at the precise moment the villain is close enough to hear.
  • Women always stand and watch the cars that are about to run them over, OR the bad-guys that are about to shoot them (even if there’s cover close by).
  • Women always stuff their fist(s) in their mouths when terrified.
  • Women always have to be rescued by the hero, no matter how capable they are themselves.
  • Women always have to be taken hostage. To make matters worse, the female’s captivity is always announced at the same point: when our hero has the bad guy right where he wants him (with a gun to his head, hanging upside down outside a skyscraper, etc). Cue the phone call from the villain’s associates, the nervous hostage crying for help. What would have happened if the hero had just killed villain without giving him a chance to inform him of the kidnapping.
  • Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to help/force her/knock her out.
  • Ex or estranged wives, if kidnapped or used by villains against hero, will fall back in love with hero ex.
  • A woman can become an expert in nuclear fusion/bio-whatever, etc. by the age of 22. But only if she looks like a super model.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. WOMEN) above.

WEAPONS

 

WEAPONS
  • Major characters never run out of ammunition, nor do they ever have to reload. (If the movie does make them reload, they never have to actually carry any spare ammo until that scene) Worse when it’s a person with a six shot revolver in a Western (Open Range).
  • Henchmen (even elite types) can not hit the broad side of the barn but hero is a sharp shooter.
  • Assassins will always wait ‘till the very last moment to assemble their complex sniper weapon (often a pistol the size of a rifle).
  • Guy points gun at person, makes threat. When doesn’t receive response he wants, cocks gun. See, now he’s serious.
  • A character is given something of significance and places it in the shirt pocket over their heart; it will stop a bullet from killing him. Photos of loved ones, religious medals, and bibles can stop bullets better than a bullet proof vest.
  • If your black, you must hold your gun sideways and you must gesticulate with it to prove your tough.
  • The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy always misses, and is there just to announce that a fight will be taking place.
  • Bad-guy hand grenades make noise and smoke, but no real damage; good-guy hand grenades are devastating but selective; they will destroy tanks, but won’t hurt the thrower, even if he drops one on his toe. Bad-guy grenades used by good guys become good-guy grenades, and vice versa.
  • When the villain runs out of bullets, he’ll throw away his gun. When the hero does so, he’ll conveniently come across another.
  • Machine guns submerged underwater for a long time won’t jam or misfire when the hero pops up to use them. (see any Rambo movie)
  • When people aim a rifle with binocular-sight at someone on a very long distance, they manage to keep them in the bull’s-eye all the time even if they move around.
  • The good guy will appear to be shot, perhaps dozens of times. He will fall down, and presumably be dead, but will later miraculously turn out to have had the foresight to wear a bulletproof vest, armor plating, or even a silver tray to protect his torso (Batman). No one will ever shoot him in the head, where he is unprotected. Afterwards, instead of learning from his extremely good fortune, he reveals/removes his protection, confident that the same situation cannot recur in his movie.
  • When superheroes like Batman or Robocop use high technology to protect themselves, the bad guys never take advantage of obvious weaknesses, such as no face protection.
  • Characters use silencers on revolvers… and it works.
  • In 50% of action movies made after 1988, “Teflon Coated Cop Killer Bullets” will be referred to.
  • Characters do not value their guns. When they run out of bullets they just throw them away.
  • No movie character will ever use or refer to a safety on any firearm.
  • No movie character will ever use a .22-caliber weapon.
  • The cowboy who exchanges a dozen shots with the bad guys without hitting one will nevertheless be able to hit and detonate a stick of dynamite from 150 feet away with a revolver on the first try.
  • Once a character has flipped up the long range site on his rifle, he will always make his next shot.
  • Bullets removed from shooting victims and displayed to the camera will not be misshapen in any way from the impact – and will sometimes even still have the casing attached.
  • Shots fired at the rear of a vehicle will cause the gas tank to explode.
  • Shots fired at windshields never deflect; they always penetrate and hit the bad guy in the forehead. If the good guy is driving, he’ll simply have to duck a little to avoid them.
  • Shots fired at guys hiding around corners never whiz past; they always strike the edge of the building near the character’s face.
  • Shots fired in Westerns that do not hit a character always ricochet loudly.
  • If there is a trough of water present in a Western gunfight scene, at least one shot will splash spectacularly in the water.
  • Western characters are never shot in the legs while hiding behind wagons.
  • No gun will ever jam or misfire after a quick-draw.
  • In a duel or in a gunfight between two characters standing in a street, at least one character is always hit on the first exchange of gunfire.
  • Shurrikens and thrown knives never miss, (pinning a character’s clothing to a wall or tree not withstanding).
  • Horses are never wounded in horseback gunfights.
  • Even weapons experts will freeze when confronted with a weapon which is not in firing condition-ie an un-cocked single action revolver or a submachine gun with its breech closed (also un-cocked). The person holding the gun must make several moves to fire the gun, and the adversary could just reach out and take the weapon, but the dope just freezes even though often it is obvious that the cylinder is devoid of any ammo.
  • Movie gunmen never lock and load their weapons when anticipating a life-or-death confrontation. Oh they have their weapons drawn, but not charged with a round in the chamber. They usually (always when carrying a pump-action shotgun) wait until they confront their quarry to slam a round into the chamber with a dramatic ca-chunking noise.
  • Bullets, even though they are only pieces of lead-sometimes encased in copper, always make little explosions when they strike any kind of inanimate object.
  • All sub machine guns sound alike and have the same rate of fire
  • If you are a cowboy, aiming your rifle while using your horse as a support will always assure a first round hit.
  • All automatic weapons must be cocked in order to be fired, but bolt action weapons can fire two or three times without being cocked!
  • You can never un-jam a weapon by just pulling back the bolt and rechambering another round, ‘though that will work 99 times out of 100 in real life.
  • If you need a gun in an American house, you’ll find it in a shoe box, under a sweater on the top shelf of the closet.
  • Big dramatic moment when one character is going to shoot/kill another but when they pull the trigger the gun goes click and some frantic hand to hand fight or chase ensues. This usually happens after some sort of speech that reveals some important information.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. WEAPONS) above.

WAR

 

WAR
  • You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Every army platoon has at least one, usually black, member who can play the harmonica.
  • All G.I.s know how to make a still out of a jeep radiator.
  • If a soldier tries to look up an old buddy who was transferred to different unit, the buddy will be dead, or will die shortly there after.
  • If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have nightmare at that exact same moment
  • New replacements always get killed before you can even learn their names.
  • The hero’s weapon is always different from everyone else’s.
  • Every unit has a “Scrounge” who can get you anything from an atomic bomb to a date with the general’s daughter for a bottle of cheap scotch, or vice-versa.
  • The platoon sergeant never has a grenade on him, so he always asks someone else for the grenade, then pulls the pin out with his teeth. (which will usually cause you to lose teeth before extracting the pin!)
  • Everyone who joins an Airborne (parachute) outfit doesn’t understand why anyone would jump out of perfectly good airplane.
  • Elite units (Special Forces, Rangers, Commandos) are always recruited from convicts and other socially degenerate segments of society.
  • Elite units are always considered expendable even though they cost much much more to train and maintain.
  • Roger, wilco-over and out. nuff said. Radio transmissions are always improper.
  • The German Army always uses U. S. Patton Tanks.
  • Cannons, howitzers, and main tank guns NEVER recoil, unless it’s old documentary footage.
  • The battle hardened vet will always fall on a grenade for the new guy, rather than picking up the grenade and throwing it away, or jumping out of the fox hole.
  • Fox holes never have overhead protection, or grenade pits.
  • Only the “Japs” and the “VC” bother to use booby traps.
  • German soldier always wear grey uniforms and jack-boots, though these uniforms were pretty much phased out by mid 1943.
  • SS soldiers always wear there dress black uniform.
  • Only the Marines fought the war in the Pacific. No Army personnel were involved.
  • The military hero always carries a special knife with an 11 inch + blade and a hollow handle with all sorts of gadgets. (most soldiers stick with the standard bayonet [6 in blade], Marine Corps Fighting knife [7 in blade], or air force [5 ½ in blade] survival knife. None have hollow handles because hollow handles break too easily)
  • Snipers always know exactly where someone will pop there head out of trench and soldiers in trenches never use mirrors or periscopes, like they did in World War One.
  • Any kid, or dog for that matter can wonder around through an artillery barrage and not get killed while half the outfit will always get wiped out.
  • No one will shoot the hero and the battle will even come to a stand still while the hero cries in agony and curse that “it should’ve been him” when his best friend steps on the land mine/get blown up/ dies charging the machine gun nest. The battle will resume as soon as the hero gets over his grief and gets angry. The hero will be victorious within 45 seconds of becoming angry.
  • Any machine gun nest can be approached from behind without difficulty, but not until half the unit has been wiped out.
  • Soldiers will ask for keys for military vehicles even though these vehicles don’t use keys.
  • If soldiers start to eat/drink/change socks/go to the bathroom, they will get orders to move out immediately.
  • Soldiers will always make a comment about the food, usually something along the line of “I stepped in it but I’ve never ate it” or “if we feed this to the “krauts” we’d win the war tomorrow”.
  • Soldiers and sailors must have at least on bar room brawl usually followed by a scene where they come to each others mutual aid the next day.
  • There has to be a scene involving giving chocolate to children or nylons/cigarettes to women in a WW II movie. The soldiers never try to take advantage of the situation by asking for sexual favors in return.
  • There is also an obligatory scene where a soldier reads a travel brochure about beautiful Italy/Germany/France/Guam/ while the camera pans across the blown up country side.
  • If the travel guide scene is omitted, you’ll be treated with the scene where a soldier comments about how nice everything looks, too bad there’s a war going on, he’s going to come back when this is all over. He’ll be shot by a sniper shortly after this scene.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. WAR) above.

VILLAINS

 

VILLAINS
  • The bad guy is the foreigner.
  • Corollary: the foreigner is the guy who speaks English with an English accent
  • The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman, who has some sort of trademark gimmick that he/she uses to eliminate opponents. You must kill or decommission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked gimmick. If the muscleman dispatched by a different method, he/she is not dead. (For that matter, don’t assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular. Beware sequels.)
  • No matter how dead you think you’ve killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least 3 more times. Therefore, always make sure to leave his gun in or near his hand after you’ve killed him and you turn away to comfort the girl.
  • When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. This is guaranteed to occur if hero is foolish enough to turn his back on villain’s body. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned but if he doesn’t, a friend will finish the villain off.
  • The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don’t seem to run out of loyal henchmen.
  • Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning or passing vehicle.
  • You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarily length of time; typically this is something like a meat hook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor’s Equity (Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy’s demise, you utter your trademark phrase.
  • Whenever a villain has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero every detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses.
  • The villain, instead of simply offing the captured hero on the spot, will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his escape. What do you mean Bond used a saw in his watch to cut the ropes and free himself? How unlikely! Perhaps I should have stayed and made sure the laser cut him in half, eh? Uh, yeah.
  • You can always tell which nationality the United States and the popular media are currently most unhappy with because that nation sends all their villains to star in Hollywood movies during those times (e.g. Germans in the late 40’s and 50’s, Asians in the 60’s and 70’s, Soviets in the 70’s and 80’s and Middle Easterners in the 90’s).
  • Big dramatic moment when villain is going to shoot/kill hero but when they pull the trigger the gun goes click and some frantic hand to hand fight or chase ensues. This usually happens after some sort of speech that reveals some important information. Worse, when it happens to both villain and hero’s guns at same time. See: The Matrix, ‘Desperado,’ ‘Face/Off,’ ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith,’ ‘Mission: Impossible’

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. VILLAINS) above.

TRAVEL

 

TRAVEL
  • Transportation always arrives and leaves on time. Unless used for comedic effect.
  • Characters arrive at the airport and get right on the plane. No two hour wait for them.
  • Movie characters’ suitcases are always weightless when they have to carry them.
  • In emergencies, anyone can pick up flying a helicopter.
  • Movie characters never suffer from motion sickness.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. TRAVEL) above.

TRAFFIC

 

TRAFFIC
  • When a main character has to cross the street (in one of the slower parts of the movie), he/she can always cross the street immediately. Of course, he/she jogs across in order to miss the one car that drives by after they cross.
  • If there is traffic, then that means that the movie is at a more intense part (like a chase scene) in which case there are a lot of cars that crash into each other. None of the important characters get hurt, the accident is never heard on the news, and nobody sues anybody important. Very few people even get out of their cars, and yet, no airbags are to be seen.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. TRAFFIC) above.

TIME

 

TIME
  • Movie timing is always exact. If a phone trace will take two minutes, for example, you can be sure that that means 120 seconds, not a fraction more or less. Same for bombs, amount of time to get to a destination, etc.
  • Corollary to the above: all characters in a movie have their watches perfectly synchronized.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. TIME) above.

STAIRS

 

STAIRS
  • Whenever anyone is chased to a staircase, s/he will run upstairs rather than down.
  • If someone falls on stairs or is pushed from the top, they will always tumble ALL THE WAY DOWN to the bottom. They never get stuck halfway down or get tangled up with the banister.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. STAIRS) above.

SPORTS

 

SPORTS
  • In any type of sport movie, a player on the field can look up into a crowd of 1 billion and immediately spot their loved one.
  • The underdogs always make an amazing comeback in the last game and win.
  • Final possession always belongs to the underdog team.
  • The winning basket/touchdown/goal always takes place as the clocks hits 00:00.
  • The mean coach of the enemy team always kicks something after his team looses.
  • Prayer is always involved in game rituals.
  • The fallacy that on any cheerleading squad there is one whore. Reality: They’re all whores.
  • Suggesting that anyone who has desired to be a professional athlete in the past 10 years is motivated by anything other than money and fame.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. SPORTS) above.

SPACESHIPS

 

SPACESHIPS
  • Spaceships make noise!
  • Spaceships always fly perpendicular to the same axis. When two spacecraft encounter each other, they’re always aligned on a plane and never approach at odd angles.
  • If a spaceship runs out of fuel or looses power it comes to a stop. In reality it would keep going at its previous velocity indefinitely.
  • All spaceships, no matter how small, have internal artificial gravity and no matter how badly your ship gets pummeled by the evil aliens in the evil alien ship, no matter how many external panels get blown away, no matter how many sparks or how much smoke pours out of your control panels, the artificial gravity will always keep working.
  • There are tiny cameras mounted everywhere, on every panel, in your spaceship. No matter what happens anywhere in‘the ship, you will always be able to ask the computer to replay the scene for you later (even if the computer went up in smoke) and unlike those blurry convenience store cameras, your tiny ship cameras always capture everyone’s actions at eye-level with perfect lighting.
  • Warp or hyper-drive will always fail at critical moments.
  • Inertial dampers will always prevent passengers from being plastered against the walls during acceleration into warp speed, yet any explosion will send passengers reeling across the room.
  • In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it must be in visual range. Even though the 20th century saw the advent of weapons that can be fired without visual contact, the people of the future have lost this technology.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. SPACESHIPS) above.

SPACE & VACUUM

 

SPACE & VACUUM
  • Explosions in space make noise
  • Exposure to the vacuum of space makes you horribly swell up and/or explode within seconds (ex. “Total Recall”, “Outland”)
  • There’s a deep humming in space, no doubt about it.
  • Space is not Newtonian; spacecraft can’t ‘coast’, but just stop dead if they run out of fuel or power.
  • Laser beams are visible in vacuum.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. SPACE & VACUUM) above.

SKYDIVING

 

SKYDIVING
  • You got plenty of time up there, often a couple of minutes.
  • You can almost talk casually to all your skydiving friends on the way down.
  • If you don’t have a parachute, just cling on to someone who has got one and don’t let go until you’re down.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. SKYDIVING) above.

SIGNALS

 

SIGNALS
  • If the tapping sound or flashing light represents Morse code, there’s always someone around that can interpret the message.
  • When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few “beeps”, and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter how long the word is. Example:
    beep-beep-be-beep…
    “Help…”
    be-be-beep beep…
    “Us…”
    beep-be-be-beep beep…
    “We’re…”
    beep beep-be-beep…
    “Surrounded…”
    be-beep beep beep…
    “Send…”
    be-be-be-beep beep…
    “Reinforcements…”
    beep be-beep beep…
    “Hurry…”
    etc.
  • A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. SIGNALS) above.

SHOPPING

 

SHOPPING
  • When bringing home bags of groceries in a film, it’s required that you spill at least one bagful on the kitchen floor.
  • Bags of groceries are never heavy.
  • Whenever anyone in a movie goes shopping, they always come back with stuff sticking out of the top of the shopping bag, usually carrot tops and French bread.
  • Corollary: every shopping bag contains at least one baguette (loaf of french bread).

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. SHOPPING) above.

SEX
SEX
  • All beds have a special L-shaped top sheet, which reaches up to armpit level on women but only to waist level on men.
  • No-one ever needs a Kleenex after sex.
  • If you’re a woman in a film and have just finished a steamy lovemaking session, make sure to lay back and pull the sheets up to your neck, just like in real life.
  • All women moan during sex, but none sweat.
  • Regardless of whatever the person was doing up to this point in the day, they are always ready for this most intimate of acts. They never have to go wash anything to prepare.
  • Post sex modesty. Hey, thanks for fucking me like there was no tomorrow, now let me wrap this sheet around me like a burqa and go to the bathroom. Or we’ll just lay in bed with the L-shaped sheet mentioned above.
  • Men retain their underpants in bed – and replace them after sex (usually whilst sitting on the side of the bed, and before standing up).
  • Women (and men less often) either make love with their underclothes on or have put them back on in the immediate aftermath.
  • After the fight, one of the people ends up going to the bar, getting drunk, flirting with some chick, cut to next morning, phone rings, it’s the significant other saying sorry, I love you. Person in bed looks over and oops, there’s someone in bed with them! OMG!
  • Two total strangers, upon falling into bed together, will always reach an incredibly intense, mutual, and SIMULTANEOUS orgasm on the first try.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. SEX) above.

SCHOOL

 

SCHOOL
  • If you’re a high school student in a film, you will always get one of the preferable eye-level lockers.
  • In all high school or college classrooms, the teacher or professor will always be interrupted in mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.
  • In every school, there is at least one nerd or wimp that is shoved into lockers that are big enough to hold them.
  • High Schools are always either in the middle of a city or a car ride away from the beach.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. SCHOOL) above.

ROPES

 

ROPES
  • When people are tied up in the movies, which is usually loosely and incompetently, they can’t escape without finding some convenient device to burn or cut through the ropes.
  • Corollary 1: There is always a convenient device at hand.
  • Corollary 2: If the method involves burning the ropes, the person’s hands will be tied at least a foot apart.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. ROPES) above.

ROMANCE

 

ROMANCE
  • People meeting cute by one character, usually the girl, dropping some stuff and they both bend over to pick up the stuff. Even worse if they bump heads.
  • Meeting cute by both reaching for the same thing at the same time. Worse if it is the last one and the man lets the girl have it.
  • The two male and female leads, who don’t really like each other (yet), are being pursued and in order to avoid being spotted by their pursuers they make out. This is, of course, their first kiss and will usually be cold but then become hot. The two will inevitably fall for each other.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. ROMANCE) above.

RADIO, TV & VIDEO

 

RADIO, TV & VIDEO
  • § A character turns on the radio just in time to hear a special announcement or some important news item. Then turns the radio off.

CLICK
“Three escaped lunatics have been spotted in blah blah blah.”
CLICK

  • § One character telling another (usually in a phone call) to turn on the TV. When they do, TV will be on the exact channel necessary to see the news report that has just started (I guess caller was psychic) revealing pertinent information.
  • § All televisions show cowboy-and-Indian chase scenes a large proportion of the time.
  • § All VCRs in films are always cued up exactly to the portion of tape you want to show someone.
  • § You will always be able to backwind the tape precisely to the beginning of the segment you want to see again.
  • § Whenever anyone scans through a videotape or audio tape on home equipment you can hear the audio portion of the tape being fast forwarded or rewound.
  • § Freeze frame is flawless.
  • § Whenever someone reviews surveillance video taken from a preceding scene, the camera angle is never high above the actors, it’s right up close, and looks a lot like the angle the film camera used when shooting the picture. Additionally, the audio is always crisp and clear, there’s no background noise, because all security cameras come equipped with boom mikes.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. RADIO TV & VIDEO) above.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT

 

PRODUCT PLACEMENT
  • Time will stand still when the hero is in the presence of a company logo.
  • When a character picks up a bottle of whiskey or a pack of cigarettes, the label will always be clearly visible.
  • If the producers find no company to invest into the picture, strange things happen to the world: gas stations have no brand names visible, stars use no-name airlines (they often crash!), all smokers use silver cases for their cigarettes.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. PRODUCT PLACEMENT) above.

PRISON

 

PRISON
  • In jail, there must be a brutal guard and an evil scheming warden.
  • Inside a prison there is always a boss among the convicts. Usually he’s black, blind and crippled surrounded by tough black musclemen, and he is the one the white hero has to see to get something.
  • In a prison or a gym, when someone is about to be threatened, it usually takes place when the subject is on his back pumping iron and the bar is lowered onto his neck thus reshaping the windpipe and driving some point home.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. PRISON) above.

PREGNANCY & CHILDBIRTH

 

PREGNANCY & CHILDBIRTH
  • The fact that a woman is pregnant or the fact that she notes her pregnancy is introduced by a scene where you hear the woman vomit.
  • The unexpected pregnancy as plot device.
  • Whenever a woman announces to her husband/boyfriend that she’s pregnant, it comes as a complete surprise to him, whether pleasantly or otherwise.
  • No one is ever in labor for hours and hours… they pop out babies in a matter of minutes.
  • No one is ever offered an epidural or medication, everyone uses Lamaze (pant method), but they often scream at & demean those around them.
  • Most babies are born clean, with perfectly shaped heads and dry hair
  • All movie babies are born HUGE, usually the size of the average two month old.
  • Women who give birth are perfectly made up afterwards
  • All women want to have the baby naturally but once labor starts they DEMAND that their doctor gives them drugs.
  • If a woman isn’t thrilled by the idea of becoming a mommy, she and one of her girlfriends will go to the drug store and buy around ten different pregnancy tests (and these things ain’t cheap!). This will be followed by a scene of the two of them sitting on a bed surrounded by all the open boxes and used test sticks.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. PREGNANCY & CHILDBIRTH) above.

POLICE

 

POLICE
  • Police Captains/lieutenants are always angry at their star detective and yell at him, threatening suspension if he doesn’t drop the case.
  • Only after the detective has been suspended can he properly crack the case.
  • Many police chiefs are in constant contact with their city’s mayor who will often “chew their ass out” about a single criminal investigation out of the thousands going on in a city. (note: See “I Married an Axe Murderer” for a hilarious send-up of the “mean chief” cliché.)
  • The police will never question the hero, even if he kills lots of bad guys
  • The cops never show up during massive gun battles in city streets that involve bystanders and exploding cars. After the fact, you might just hear a siren in the distance.
  • More murders always happen during the investigation of the first one. The last living suspect is the murderer.
  • Most homicide detectives are brooding, near-crazed loners, most likely divorced or widowed, borderline alcoholics. Of course, there are more respectable-looking detectives, but they are inept and not nearly as tough as their mentally-troubled colleagues.
  • Many detectives are recruited directly from the police academy, therefore accounting for youthful “seasoned detectives” (see “Speed,” “Kuffs,” “Stakeout”).
  • If you are a senior detective and are assigned a new partner, for some reason the department always partners you up with someone who is the complete opposite of you.

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PHONES

 

PHONES
  • § All phone numbers begin with 555.
  • § People speaking on the phone never introduce themselves, and never ever say “good-bye” at the end of a conversation.
  • § A ringing phone is usually picked up within 3 seconds.
  • § Don’t give the person on the other end of the phone time to say what they have to.
  • § You also never have to look up a phone number, for anyone.
  • § When a phone line is broken or someone hangs up unexpectedly, communication channels can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?”
  • § Always knock over the phone if it wakes you up. If you are expecting a call, make sure that you pull the covers up completely over your head so that knocking it over becomes easier. All houses have phones next to the bed.
  • § There’s a dial tone to be heard on A’s phone immediately after B has hung up on his/her end.
  • § The Movie Telephone Time Vortex.
    How often have you seen something like this:
    Phone rings. Hero/Heroine picks it up. “Hello. Yes. O.k. Right. Thanks, Goodbye.” (Total elapsed time on phone: 5 seconds.)
    Hero/Heroine turns to other character: “That was John. He says that the Marilyn left for the lawyer’s office about an hour ago, and she should have been there by now. He’s called the lawyer’s office but Marilyn apparently never got there. He also called Bill’s, thinking she’d stop by there, but Bill hasn’t seen her. John says he’s going to call Anne, as Marilyn said she and Ann were going to go shopping sometime today. If she’s not at Anne’s, he’s going to call the police. He suggests that we drive over to Mario’s and check with him as to whether or not Marilyn told Wally about the statue. However, he thinks this is unlikely as Marilyn doesn’t trust Wally, she only trusts us and Francisco. John also suggests we try to get in touch with Francisco . . . .”
  • § Where, in order to relay to the audience what is being said on the other end of the line without cutting back and forth or allowing the audio to be heard, the listening character repeats everything back at the person on the other end, as in: Marilyn hasn’t shown up at the lawyer’s office yet? (PAUSE) And you already called Bill’s? (PAUSE) What did he say? (PAUSE) He hasn’t seen her either. (PAUSE) So, John’s getting nervous? (PAUSE) He’s going to call the police…
    If I’m not mistaken, the conversation must have gone like this:
    “Marilyn hasn’t shown up at the lawyer’s office yet.”
    “Marilyn hasn’t shown up at the lawyer’s office yet?”
    “No, and I’ve already called Bill’s.”
    “And you already called Bill’s?”
    “Yes.”
    “What did he say?”
    “He hasn’t seen her either.”
    “He hasn’t seen her either.”
    “John’s getting pretty nervous about this.”
    “So, John’s getting nervous?”
    “Yes, he’s going to call the police.”
    “He’s going to call the police…

This would be the last phone conversation I would ever have with this person.

  • § When phone-calls are traced you can see a map on the screen with a beam closing in on the caller, and the caller always knows how long he can talk before he has to hang up to not be traced down. He always manages to say everything perfectly timed for 2 minutes.
  • § Video-phones display pictures of the callers looking straight into the camera. The camera must be in the middle of their screen, in other words.
  • § If the hero tries to call someone he needs urgently he won’t need more than three rings to know that he/she is not there.
  • § If someone wants to call the hero, he/she will let the phone ring forever before hanging up, especially if the caller does not know that the hero has to fight his way to the phone through a bunch of bad guys.
  • § A person is placing a phone call to a company, such as “Sports Illustrated” and the phone at the other end is picked up but we don’t cut to them, the person PLACING the call will say, “Hello, Sports Illustrated?”, as if they are checking to make sure they called the right place. What this means is that at a major company, someone is answering the phone with “hello” and that’s it! Not, “Hello, Sports Illustrated, can I help you?” or anything like that, just “Hello!”
  • § Cell phones always showing no signal at just the time they’re needed most.

To leave a comment (cliché suggestion) click on the Title (i.e. PHONES) above.

MOTORCYCLES
MOTORCYCLES
  • Motorcycle engines in movies can inexplicably change from 4-stroke Otto cycle to 2-stroke cycle operation.
  • Motorcycles usually change from Harley Davidson choppers when engaged in highway operations to Yamaha Dirt bikes when operated off-road (as in “Then Came Bronson”). Police Harleys will morph into Triumph Bonnevilles when operating in tight quarters (on the ship in “Magnum Force”).
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MONEY
MONEY
  • Gangster’s Briefcases either contain weapons or banknotes. No one ever got coins at a robbery.
  • Briefcases are designed to hold exactly three rows of banknotes. As if it had power by itself money likes to be sorted in nice packs and rows, even if it had been thrown into the briefcase by a terrified casher at a bank.
  • When you use a movie taxi don’t ever give any change. Drivers won’t know what to do with it. Just say “thank you” when you pay a bill, reach into your pocket without looking, take out whatever note is in it – it will just fit. (see also CABS)
  • Same is true in restaurants. Checks are always designed to be 15 percent under the sum the male customer has in his hands first.

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MISC
MISC:

 

  • When someone, usually the hero, appears to be shot fatally but a few minutes later, when the camera goes back to them -What’s This!- they aren’t dead after all. They will ALWAYS groan, reach up with both hands and rip open their shirt (nobody cares about buttons in the movies!) revealing the -SHOCKER!- bullet-proof vest (even though the obvious bulge from a bullet-proof vest was never visible under their clothes in the previous scene). They will then pluck the bullet from the indentation, stare at it and drop it to the ground. Occasionally the person will do something that defies all reason; they will REMOVE THE VEST and go after the bad guy. Because, as everyone knows, when a bullet-proof vest takes a hit or two they are rendered useless. Again, I have two words for all bad guys: HEAD SHOT!
  • Whenever a filmmaker is trying to establish that a character has been away from home for a while, they almost always (seriously, it’s got to be over 90% of the time) shoot the same scene. Character lives in a house that has a mail slot in the front door. Camera is located on the inside of house, low to the ground, showing the pile of mail that has accumulated. Camera will capture the moment the door is opened, pushing the pile towards camera.
  • Countdown is announced over the P.A. (often by a woman’s voice, ALWAYS with a woman’s voice if it’s a sci-fi movie).
  • The villain happens to be close to someone that matters to the hero (daughter, girlfriend) when he is most desperate, usually near very end of movie. Villain takes person hostage, saying, “Drop the gun or she dies!” Hero drops gun almost every time.
  • Ugly chick gets a makeover to become hot. Ugly chick is played by a super hot chick with a pair of glasses shoved on her face. I guess this trick doesn’t work with fat chicks with bad acne and pug noses.
  • Dorky guy wants hot girl, by end of movie manages to finally get opportunity to have her but finally realizes that his female best friend is being played by Jessica Alba and decides he wants her instead.
  • Ventilation shafts as means for escape and/or accessing any other parts of the building. How many are even capable of accepting an adult’s body? Also, they are always clean/new.
  • The slow individual clapper that leads into crowd applause.
  • The leads dance and all other dancers are so impressed/touched they stop dancing and form a circle to watch in appreciation. No one is ever irritated by these attention hogs.
  • Person who visits the injured/dying friend in the hospital, apparently just before visiting hours are over, as inevitably a nurse will enter to inform them that “I’m sorry, sir, but visiting hours are over.”
  • Kissing in the Rain
  • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • A woman’s lip stick will never come off, even during a kiss, unless director is trying to create a laugh
  • If you are part of a crew for the hero in a submarine drama you don’t need to worry about the enemy’s depth charges, they always explode 20+ feet away. But while you are waiting to see if you are going to die, stay silent and stare at the roof of the sub.
  • In a submarine movie the pressure gauge must explode to show how much pressure the sub is under.
  • Streets and parking lots always look like it just got finished raining.
  • If someone hangs up on you after saying something hurtful you must stare at the phone for a few seconds before hanging up.
  • If anyone goes fishing, they never come back empty handed.
  • Handwriting is always improbably neat.
  • Incriminating love letters can be found tied up with a neat ribbon in a shoebox or cigar box.
  • Passenger in vehicle with hand out window doing wave motion in wind
  • The super-sped up cityscape. This scene requires shots of a moving and setting sun, buildings lighting up, and people zipping around.
  • The opening of film on water, panning up to distant cityscape as we fly towards city. So overdone, so lazy, please establish your location in a more original way.
  • Character crashing through panes of glass that immediately turns into harmless pebbles instead of artery slicing shards.
  • Spontaneous, obviously choreographed group dances. Unless this is a musical, not gonna happen. But, Mattie! It’s Thriller! Doesn’t matter, FuckYou!
  • The rousing the troops pre battle speech.
  • The parent who wants their child to be a doctor/layer and is disappointed when they want to be an ‘artist’
  • If a man has just woken up and is shown wearing boxers, he will always have an itchy ass.
  • After fleeing a monster/killer, you will want to call for help from a public phone within ten feet of where you last saw the monster/killer.
  • If the hero takes cover behind an average living room couch or chair it will somehow have the ability to stop bullets as if the thing was made of Kevlar.
  • Anytime anybody picks up pieces of a broken glass they will ALWAYS cut their finger. They will also always suck their breath in through their teeth and stick the injured finger in their mouth.
  • Whichever tree branch the hero has perched on, the person searching for them will invariably pause under it.

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MINORITIES
MINORITIES
  • Minorities such as Native Americans or Asians will always have some sort of mystical knowledge or innate fighting skill. For example, the Native American always knows the course of events to come from some sign in nature, and Asians are all born with Martial Arts skills they can use to battle the bad guys.

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MIDDLE AGES
MIDDLE AGES
  • Medieval peasants always have filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothing – and perfect, gleaming white teeth. (cf. Braveheart, any Robin Hood movie).
  • If you are a princess, you always have a favorite lady in waiting, and you always send her to warn the hero of the evil king’s intention just in time.
  • Corollary: the lady in waiting is never quite as beautiful as the princess; however, she still always catches the eye of the hero’s sidekick.
  • In a swordfight, you can always parry behind your back, and you must always find a set of stairs to fight on so that the loser can roll down them and die at the bottom.
  • Horses never get winded; throw a shoe, etc., until the pursuing sheriff is right behind the hero.
  • Corollary: the wagon that breaks an axle or gets stuck in the creek is always the one carrying the king’s entire treasury, which he totes around with him every time he goes gallivanting through bandit-infested countryside.

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MEN
MEN
  • When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly, flashing clenched teeth.
  • Men on rafts, jungles, deserts or other extended duty don’t have to carry razors because their beards don’t grow. Counterpoint: Unless they drink, in which case 3-day stubble appears in 3 hrs.
  • Male lead is an Architect
  • Men grabbing a previously worn item of clothing, giving it a sniff before deciding if they will wear it again.

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MEDICAL
MEDICAL
  • More often than not, the best method to revive somebody after their heart has stopped, assuming that there has already been a lengthy attempt to revive them with CPR, those electric zapperthings, ect., is screaming at them something like:
    • “You never backed away from everything in your life, now fight! Fight! FIIIIGHT!”
    •  or
      “You can’t do this to me! I love you, goddammit!”

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